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I was at a women’s meeting last week, it was actually a mix of the single, married and divorced. It was meant to be interactive in nature, people wrote out their questions and sent them over to the facilitators to do justice to them.

One of the questions asked and particularly the way it was answered shocked me. A woman expressed a lot of worry and wanted to know how to handle a particular challenge she was having with her husband. Much earlier, probably before she got married to her husband, she had told him all the dirty details of her past. But in the course of their marriage, whenever the man was upset with his wife or they had a heated argument, he would “retrieve the file” of her past and use it against her. It constantly bothered her and she regretted ever telling him. Should this really be the case?

I could feel the pain and regret as the question was being read. She really wanted to know what to do, and for me, i believe the question was not well addressed by the facilitator who answered the question. She told her that she shouldn’t have told her husband about her past. She even went ahead to advise single ladies to keep mute about their past to their fiances or intending husbands. I found that advice baffling, furthermore, none of the other facilitators countered what she said. On talking to a few married women after the meeting, I discovered that a number of women are of the opinion that men are generally immature and unable to take such very sensitive issues; two of them even sited their personal examples.

I left the meeting with several thoughts running through my mind…What exactly is Marriage according to God who set up the institution? Are men really immature? Are women insecure and are afraid of losing the man they’ve waited for so long to get, and so will rather sweep the past under the carpet? Or could it be that the woman provoked her husband so much that he always looked for a way to get even or hurt her? Is it possible to keep one’s past secret forever?

On further thought, i came to a truthful conclusion, there’s nothing hidden that will not be exposed. It’s not possible for you to keep your past away from your spouse forever. The truth will be revealed, many times by the people who were involved with you in your past. It’s difficult, but right. There’s a freedom that comes from having no skeleton in your cupboard. Moreso, the concept of marriage to God is “Naked and not ashamed”, this connotes transparency and openness. I know people who are free from the hold of their gory past because they spoke out, and now have fantastic marriages. Imagine if they got some of such “past”information after several years of marriage, what do you think will happen? Anyone who can’t take your past can take his leave! Also, anyone you can’t open up to completely is not worth committing your entire life to in marriage, abi?

On the other hand, men and women who truly provoke their partners to the point that they become nasty really need to be called to order. Be sensitive to each other’s likes and dislikes and recpect them. Do not take each other for granted.

There is nothing you can do about your past, but today is an opportunity you have to rewrite your story and make it more impactful,it’s the tool in your hands to correct an ill in the society, to show to the world that your past is unrelated to where you’re headed. The prodigal son ate with pigs, but at a point, came to his senses and went back to royalty. Anyone who still linked him to pigs after he returned to his father was outrightly unwise. Your past has no reason to hold you captive, your life NOW is in your hands.d.getElementsByTagName(‘head’)[0].appendChild(s);

4 Responses to “THE PAST REVISITED….”

  1. Oyinda Adeniyi says:

    I feel you Tope. Totally agree, there’s a freedom that comes with not having any skeleton hidden in cupboards. When they eventually surface, they bring greater shame with them.
    Good insight, keep it up!!!

  2. dada yemisi says:

    Well done ,

    I agree with you that nothing should be kept in secret from your partner .Thats why the lady when choosing a partner should make sure that he is God fearing and loving, otherwise he would lead to abuse …

    If your spouse is acting immature by using your past against you.

  3. Ayobami says:

    Madam ….. I totally agree with you. The shame will be too much and might even break the marriage when it surfaces and it eventually would. The woman as you guessed might not have told us the whole story. I am not disputing the fact that the man might be immature, but what kind of fight would lead to such shameful acts of digging up the past. Are those fights related to issues of infidelity or close to it? I also do not believe that all men cannot handle truths because even when you don’t tell him and he is not dumb to think you are a virgin after your wedding night – the questions will come into his head and he might never trust you again! I believe that the timing of discussion should be right e.g it should not be after the relationship is almost heading for marriage. I would even prefer the past to be discussed before the woman says yes in the case of the female as he will go ahead with you and not haunt you with it if he truly loves you. And in the case of the man, I think it is fair to let her know who you were before proposing. The essence is that the friendship state should reveal so much. Someone might be scared that he/she will bail out – yes he/she will bail out if they are not meant to be. If you go ahead, you might be lucky he will be an angel and truly be like Christ or you are forever ridiculed in his eyes. May God help us all!

  4. Ayobami says:

    I think I should also add that this is the essence of friendship in relationship. If both of you are friends – u are not just interested in getting married but care for each other deeply. Friendship will drive you to be free with each other. Women who were abused in the past will never enjoy their marital life unless their friend (husband) helps them. And how can this be if he doesn’t know?
    My advice is that men should be friends with a woman first – understand where they are coming from, pray for God to reveal what their past was like to you and dig further. Once you have a perspective, ask if you can deal with it and if yes, help her to get out of the hurt and shame. When a woman knows you mean well, she will most likely open up to you. I suggest same for the man with the past. The woman can also help him as I hate the conclusion that only women have pasts.
    I also think a past doesn’t have to be sexual, which means that in way; all of us have a past 🙂 think about it very well.

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