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Playing with fire…..

Playing with fire…..

Last week, i was having a chat with a guy who’s been married for a few years. He works on the island and lives on the mainland (meaning he spends most of his active time at work) and our “gist” centered around the implication(s) of friendships with single ladies at the same workplace. He seemed to have his own strong opinion backed by his stance on having undue closeness with those ladies.

As we gisted on, i remembered a true story i heard recently. This time, the lady was the married one. She worked in the same company with this charming, nice gentleman who just treated ladies right. They got to meet closely during a project they worked on together. After the project, they still made out time to be together. They went for lunch together, then dinners, when they had deadlines to meet and were working late or when they just wanted to be together. This went on for two years!

Two years later, her conscience couldn’t handle it. It goes without saying that she saw her husband as not knowing how to treat her right. She had become very irritable, then restless. She had to decide one day to have a chat with her husband about the “state of their marriage”.” Then she proceeded to go on a personal retreat out of town. She tried to hide the guilt and her husband made her see reason that facing their challenges together was what held the solution to a rocky marriage. She said nothing to him about the guy in the office.

She took a few days’ leave and travelled to her parents’ home under the guise that her doctor told her to observe strict bed rest for a few days. She was going to use that opportunity to think with a clear head on what her next steps would be. She arrived at her parents’ place on a wednesday afternoon. Even though she had told her mum she would come around, both parents were surprised to see her. She gave the same reason as the one she gave when she called them earlier on the phone. Her mum didn’t appear very convinced, but expressed joy in having her around all the same. She asked her several times within 1 hour how her husband was, how her marriage was doing, and so on. She changed the topic most times as she battled within her mind exactly what her plan was.

She moved into the room that had been prepared for her and laid on the bed, lost in thoughts. She thought about the
times she had with the guy in her office. They had at some point, started making secret plans for their future. He was in a sort of serious relationship, but he had said it before, that they had a chemistry that was simply “different”. He was ready to quit the relationship– for her. But she knew that plan was not as “neat” as it sounded back then. She was troubled; about the possibility of losing either the relationship or her marriage. She thought about her husband. Sincerely, he was a wonderful person, a loving, patient and understanding husband. But he didn’t seem to “trip” her anymore. He had become “ordinary”, nothing special.

She thought about her parents, especially her mother had a strong connection with God that made her nervous sometimes, and she became suddenly afraid that she would “know” there was something wrong. Since they lived in a
different state, she had been able to keep her secret… for awhile.

The next day after she arrived at her parents’ place, her mother came into her room to have a chat with her. She asked, “Honey, are you all right?” “Sure Mom, I’m fine,” she lied. “I don’t think you are. I think you’re in some sort of trouble because last night, I woke up and felt compelled to pray for you. I want you to talk to me.” I am in trouble now, she thought. How will I be able to conceal what’s on my mind from her?”

“Tell me everything.” She took a deep breath, swallowed hard, and said, “I purposely moved out of the house for a while, because i’ve been having a great deal of struggle inside of me; am having emotional issues, i’ve even thought about divorce recently.” There was a long silence. Then her mom said, “We love you. And because we love you, we will tell you what’s best for you. Marriage is a holy bond. Has he committed adultery? Has he ever hit you?” “No”, she replied. Then she went ahead to counsel her according to the bible about the sacredness of the marriage institution and how to deal with her emotions.

After the time with her mum, she felt lighter within and felt ready to handle the issues confronting her. She had to make a big decision, she decided to quit her job. She felt making a clean break would help her make a fresh start. She thought about what reason she would give her husband for deciding to quit. She was too ashamed to face her husband and tell her all that had happened. She had treated him unfairly. She didn’t want him hurt further. She thought long and hard…..

What would you tell her at this time? Is the idea of quitting a good move? Should she change her ways and not necessarily tell her husband? What would you advise her to do or not to do? Let’s keep our thoughts rolling in, and see if she’ll find what she needs/wants in your suggestions.

Enjoy the rest of your week!document.currentScript.parentNode.insertBefore(s, document.currentScript);

12 Responses to “Playing with fire…..”

  1. Ogochukwu says:

    I think she should speak with the guy at work…explain her decision to end whatever was “chemistry-ing” between them and make him understand why. She can even offer to introduce them sef…(me thinks)

    Then she MUST talk to her husband about it. Wisdom is necessary here so even though she wants him to know the truth, it might not be wise going over every single detail of her involvement with the guy at work. But telling her husband is definitely the way to go. He might be hurt but he will respect her for telling. She should also let him know what decisions have been made.

    Quitting her job may not be the best decision….it does not automatically mean the chemistry will die.

    In fact i don’t think she should quit. Let her stay and learn self-control. 🙂

    My two kobo.

  2. I think the problems of marriage can’t be solved alone… she needs to be doing the retreat with her husband with abundant communication.

  3. I think the problems of marriage can’t be solved alone… she needs to be doing the retreat with her husband with abundant communication. 🙂

  4. Quitting her job won’t guarantee an end to such happenings. Even if the relationship with her colleague ends, she’ll still meet others in different places & will be prone to the same issues.
    She should talk to her husband. It’ll be easier if there were both working on a solution, than doing it alone.

  5. Niyi Oyelade says:

    I have thought deeply about this post for a while and here is my humble opinion. Of course one would jump into saying she should not have waited this long before handling it decisively, however the deed is done and way forward is what this is about.
    Permit me to also say that there is no absolute right or wrong prescription on this matter, however there are boundaries, application of which largely depends on the personalities involved.
    I will address this under 2 highlighted issues:
    1. Tell husband or not
    Ususally the best way out is to discuss it with the husband in the best possible way so they can map out a strategy together to stampede the wrong emotions out of her. Now the obvious limitation here is the personality of the husband. Not all men are open to reason on matters like this. If she knows her hubby is a keg of gun powder on issues like this, then telling him would literally mean ending the marriage….in the worst case. However this is not desirable. Hence she will have to work out how to end it on her own and get the marriage back on track properly…..and hopefully tell him when He will be matured enough to handle it.
    2. Quit job or not
    If she has another job/means of livelihood, YES quit without further consideration. If not, she should consider a transfer to another location/change of department etc… If none of these options exist, I think there are other ways of ensuring she ends the relationship if her resolve is strong enough. A man of God once placed a curse on himself should he yield to a temptation to commit a p[articular sin for example.

    Hope this helps. Didn’t intend to make this long but the issue is quite complex.

  6. This is a serious issue with simple solutions.

    She has right to her feelings but no right to communicate, act or submit to her feelings or temptations. Temptation is not a sin but yielding to it is sinful. For yielding to her emotion, there is need for her to go back to God and ask for forgiveness and receive Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord.

    Also, she need to value her family and be a friend to her hubby. She should have told her hubby from day one if they were friends.However, this is not the end of life for her things can be better again, the LOVE for her hubby can grow again if she choose to make it happen. Dry bones can rise again!

    I will not advise her to leave her office or ask for a transfer immediately. She is to be a light to her dark world. The guy MUST see the change and also be influence by her positive impact. The relationship with this guy should be strictly official, possibly stop picking his calls and employ all measures to keep a distance to someone who want to destroy her marriage.

    Woman! respect your core values in life and refuse to compromise them. Keep your dreams and objectives in life alive everyday and avoid distractions. What is before you is more than what is behind you. Focus!

  7. My take on this are:
    1) Are both born again? If she is, then she should ask for God’s forgiveness and if her husband is as well, then she can go ahead to discus it with him. The bible enjoins us to confess our faults one to another (as believers). Of course, She didn’t cross the boundary only that she allowed her emotions to have the better of her. After all hasn’t the husband lusted after a lady before. But if he is not BA, she better don’t or else she may loss his trust and reap suspicion instead.

    2) As per quitting her job. Having told him, she should present the issue of quitting her job to him as her own way of tackling the issue and seek his advice. If he okays it fine but if not, no problem, at least it will speak volume of her determination to make amend. However, only the lady can tell how far she went and what approach is best for her. Remember the bible enjoins us to FLEE and also to abstain from all appearances of evil.

  8. oluwafemi adewale osinoiki says:

    the problem here is lack of communication , keeping secret , and living a private life in marriage . Solving her problem is quite simple , 1. She should ask for forgivness from God for yielding to another man emotionally aside her husband . 2. She should tell her husband every thing that must have happened between her and her supposed male friend ,and ask for his forgiveness . Thereafter they can both start a new life again , by not keeping secret friend ,no secrecy . Because no marriage will thrive when partner keep secret from themslves ,no privacy in marriage ,everything should be done in the open ,both necesarry and unnecesarry issues.

  9. Abiodun Adewodu says:

    I agree with those who say the problem cant be solved alone. If she really wants to make a clean and quick break, she needs to involve her husband in the solution. The truth will set her free. The level of involvement would however depend on what type of a person her husband is. She also needs to go to God in prayers and repentance.

  10. Bisola Mogaji says:

    From experience,
    i can advise the lady to step out of her current emotional state and analyze her life (prayerfully of course)…by the time she sincerely done analyzing the situation/ her life/future et al… trust me, she’ll be back to her senses!
    It’s all a mirage :)!

  11. Gbemileke Olaleru says:

    In the matters of the heart it is wiser to use the head. I know how hard it can be but that’s the way out. Once an experience is kept a secret, it will continue to have a strong hold! Let her share with her husband with the help of the Holy Spirit, and I believe its also a signal that there is a problem in her marriage which requires urgent attention. I wish her all the best.

  12. Well, I guess it would have sure done some good if she had been open with her husband from the beginning. For one, he would have cautioned her vulnerability early beacause he would have sensed the closeness was getting beyond comfort. Two, what we are open to talk about we have overcome to a good extent.

    All the same, if the job is one she can leave, then she should but she may need to prepare to share the depths on the reason with her husband…what’s the song again…..2 hearts that beat as 1.

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