In many things, most especially as far as sex is concerned, I wish people knew that the past never really remains in the past. I am aware that many people were sexually active before marriage.
There is a commonly held idea that sexual experience before marriage betters prepares a person for marriage. Research indicates that to be untrue. Infact, the divorce rate among those who have had previous sexual experience is twice as high as those who have had no sexual experience before marriage.
The reality is that previous sexual experience often becomes a psychological barrier in achieving sexual unity in marriage.
How does this become a psychological barrier and what is then the way forward? Many people treat sex before marriage as casual and fun, and believe that once they get married, they can simply wipe the slate clean, commit themselves to be sexually faithful to their spouse, and all will be well.
However, it is not that easy to wipe the psychological slate clean. Couples often struggle with the desire to know their spouse’s sexual history, and when they do, it sometimes becomes a memory that is difficult to erase.
When it comes to marriage, something deep within the human psyche cries out for an exclusive relationship. And we are pained by the thought that our spouse has been sexually intimate with others.
Having said all that; it’s liberating and stressless, even from that point of view to have no sexual history, no ‘standards’ for comparism, no skeletons……Personally, I believe however, that it is better to deal with past sexual experiences before marriage.
When we are silent on this subject and enter marriage without discussing it, almost always, the past has a way of erupting into the present! When this happens after marriage, the awareness of deception is more difficult to overcome than the sexual activity itself. Talk about it, deal with it, ahead!
If the discovery you made about your partner ahead of marriage is giving you difficulty in accepting him/her and you find it hard to heal, give things a little more time to work through it, before getting married; if necessary see a counselor. If it’s absolutely impossible for you to accept it, a broken courtship is better than a broken marriage. That’s the wise thing to do; time won’t erase what you don’t accept.
If your spouse/partner has a history of a much more sexual activity level and you’re struggling seriously with the issue, there are books and helpful mature counsellors that should give you further help on how to process the past in a positive way.
I hope this segment on sex has been helpful for you; and for the single, I believe it will help you enter marriage with a much more realistic view of how to find mutual sexual fulfillment.
There’s a final suggestion I have for now; During the first year of your marriage, read books and discuss about sex. Even I and hubby have a mini library of books on sex; I could recommend a few. Not pornography, healthy sex in marriage.
I tell people that sex is like driving or flying; you get better at it. That you’re driven/flown for years doesn’t make you a good driver; and that you started after others doesn’t mean you’ll not be as good. Who is even measuring good? Once you’re satisfying your spouse. That’s your only passenger in the private jet; enjoy the ride and get better with manuals while at it!
I’ll like to end this post with an amazing quote I saw yesterday: “Do hugs, not drugs. Spread love, not legs. Respect, don’t judge. Listen more, talk less. Understand, don’t assume.”